Wednesday, November 14, 2007

holiday baking at the orphanage

sister nun, of the above, baking cookies with little orphan magpie, 1985
it's getting to be that time of year--certainly the mostly reverend's favorite time--when the old stone ovens at the orphanage are working nearly around the clock, pumping out what has become, over the years and thanks to the generosity of our thousands of supporters and friends, our biggest fund-raising effort of the year: our annual zappadan holiday cookie sale.
for nearly 50 years, our little angels of the kitchen have skipped school, living on nothing but french roast and bennies, and have baked cookies-to-order for now upwards of 8,000 dozens cookies, all for delivery according to the scripture, which reads:
"Zappadan, unlike some of the other festivals, does not start the day Wal-Mart puts out the decorations. It starts on December 4, in honor of the sad day in 1993 when the modern day composer, Frank Zappa, refused to die for the last time. It ends on December 21, in honor of the day he was born. There is no messy Advent, no Lent, no Passover, or any of those complicated events that entangle the Christian calendar for the whole fucking year. Its end is closer to the Winter Solstice than Christmas and you can forget about it after that. No ashes on your forehead, speaking in tongues, or silly rituals involving not enough wine to get you ripped and silly dry wafers that stick to the roof of your mouth."
"And, during each day of Zappadan, a miracle will happen..."
our miracle, the daily miracle of zappadan, is gift of a dozen orphan-baked cookies. place your orders in the comments section below.
and prepare to be moved.


mark hoback said...

Nun-baked cookies? I'll take about a billion. Every one has a soul of chocolate.

S.Fuller said...

I'd like to order a dozen dozen of them (144 for the math impaired). 6 dozen each delivered to Lou Waugamann and Pete Basso's houses in the the hope that they eat them, get fat and out of shape like me, and slow down some. :)

nikki henderson said...

what's happening at the orphanage for turkey day?? you getting a hippie turkey and eating with the dogs?? my mom says you can come to her house (with us and the kids of course) if you're not busy.

the mostly reverend said...

well, orphan nikki, that's very thoughtful. the current orphans have been busy trapping squirrels and raccoons the past couple weeks, and gathering broken pumpkins for road kill pies, so i think it's going to be another traditional orphanage feast of famine.
tell your mother hello for me, and thank her again for the delightful time i had last year.