what would jesus' lawyers do?

well, some assumptions, first.

let's assume that some, a few, well, maybe many, of his disciples

were rampant pedophiles.

safe assumption ["bring the children unto me."], right?

then, let's assume that, over the course of his 30-odd years,

he had accumulated VAST holdings--

prime real estate in large and small cities all over the world,

plus some of the finest and most precious art in all the world;

jewels and gems, you name it.

let's next assume that he took the time to TELL people how to live their lives,

and charged only 10% of their income for his advice,

AND was able to convince his congressmen to make

the whole shebang [income and assets] tax exempt.

and let's toss in this for his influence:

that he wanted his followers to kill millions of his father's children

in his name over the years,

because they think that's what he would want.

okay, assumptions done.

now, let's assume that some of these children, the victims of pedophillic disciples,

now adults and cognizant of the nature of

the sexaul crimes committed against them by his workers,

try to seek redress, atonement, an apology, and perhaps compensation?

what do you suppose jesus would do?

or at least, what would he advise his lawyers do?

? ? ? ? ?

need a moral compass?

i understand they're having a clearance sale in san diego, at fire sales prices!

americans are as smart as you think

please watch this entire video. it is funny, but very sad. very, very sad. and they elected WHO? perhaps congress really IS a representative body.

kids at play

we got some snow and ice the other night . . .

and the kids at the orphanage couldn't sleep.

unfortunately, the reverend couldn't get his tricycle out of the enclave.

and the reverend couldn't say "no" to these pleading faces.

so while the reverend was out front shoveling snow from the labyrinth of walkways in front of the orphanage, and encountering strange looking trees and vines,

the kids played in the back yard.

i'm hoping this next batch of snow and ice also comes at 200 am.

it's great having the world to ourselves.

congratulations, chad and dorothy!

price wilbert vandelune,

february 24, 2007

somewhere around 130 pm

8 pounds, 10 ounces

[6 pounds, 10 ounces without beard]

tour trivia - a contest

my flirtation with spring has been dashed all to hell;

they cancelled this week's roller "race."

i can't take this fucking weather much more,

so here's a silly cycling game for this place.

it may be that paris-nice won't be held this year,

and the entire euro-pro season might be shot;

i've been watching old tour tapes to seek inspiration

enjoying what was as a hedge against what might not.

in recent tours we've been accustomed to just lance and yawn

as those who have worn number "one."

but one season's coverage made me think of a question

to replace sleet and shit with some fun:

which edition of the tour de france

featured the greatest number of former tour winners

representing the largest number of overall tour victories?

to enter, simply post your answer [the year]

with verification [names of former tour winners,

with the year/s of their victories] in the comments section.

the winner will be awarded a fabulous prize from the orphanage archives.

local hero

jason

spring, when a cyclist's thoughts turn to...PORN?

like all real cyclists, i'm sick of this indoor cycling shit.

so when predictions of 40+ to 50+ temperatures started floating

in the atmosphere around the orphanage, i got excited.

REALLY excited.

i washed my all-terrain ralph, getting ready for the warm, dry spring to come.

and when the all9yards.com spring mini-camp approached this week,

dang, i was bouncing off the walls, to the delight of my hounds.

but the sunshine and warmth did not make the remaining snow disappear.

rather, it turned the roads to slop.

i washed my all-terrain ralph AGAIN.

chain and drivetrain all sprayed and lubed.

but i am all sick of the "spray, scrub & wash" routine

that my old team jj kit requires to keep

the garrett davis design looking so goddamned hot.

and the floating daggers we encountered today,

a prelude to this weekend's promised blizzard, were not welcomed.

but when i found this incredible porn, i had to light up.

man, oh MAN!

this shit is HOT!!!

squirrel sighting!!

he SAYS he's been busy, but i know where squirrel's been!!

too serious

from time to time, i've alluded to the notion that some folks take themselves, and their circumstances, a bit too seriously for my tastes. [no links!] it was refreshing, then, to read the results from the "24 hours of old pueblo" and realize that there are, indeed, some funny folks on two wheels. read the results for all the divisions--there are some good ones.

and, to my friend, flex fuel, note the many variations on your desired nickname.

i really think you should stick with flex fuel. it's VERY pc, and i know you like it!

the first day of summer

i spotted the first top-down, girl-filled convertible of 2007 this afternoon.

and if my backyard wasn't snowed-in, i'd have gotten one of mine out, too!

but alas, i rode my bike . . .

as beardo put it, "it's nice to riding with guys who need haircuts."

and it was. it started yesterday, with a call from my friend wade,

who said he's training for the all9yards/hyvee triathlon

that our team is putting on this summer.

he's been training with a bunch of women in a class at the ankeny "y"

and wanted to get back outside on his bike.

we met at the orphanage at 300, after beardo arrived,

and off we were. beardo told us of his encounter with

the first bitch of spring, who honked severely at him on the drake campus

for riding his bike on a warm, sunny day.

it was a wonderful ride, heading out through a slowly awakening

water works park and onto park avenue.

we'd discovered that the city has created a great new bike lane

on park avenue: it's right down the middle of the street,

bounded on either side by a yellow stripe.

no cars, no splashing, no hassles.

who knew that passing lanes could be so safe?

not much more to report, other than the carnival we found

somewhere north and east of norwalk.

we saw where they carnies tied up their petting zoos during the winter.

it had a real diane arbus starkness about it.

i've gotta go back with a camera and a schpiel.

upon my return, it was to the basement to attack my team jj coat

with "spray and scrub and wash" so it will be dry

and ready for tomorrow's ride.

after six long weeks of winter's fury [we are such wimps here],

i was claiming myself race-ready.

that is, ready for someone to hand my ass to me in a race.

will it be you?

+ + + + +

and on another note, many people have asked,

"mostly reverend, what is the secret of your success?"

well, the answer is right here.

let the comments begin!

this being the magical "year of the pig,"

there are all sorts of stories floating around out there

in cyberland relating to the special-ness of pigginess.

this is one of the most bizarre. i'm certain there will be more.

? ? ? ? ?

and speaking of bizarre, check THIS out!

Allman Brothers Band - Anyday

what i'll be missing in
march. i'm already going
through withdrawls!
i hope the gravel races
go well!

because i love you, i'll save your life

like we used to say in the peace corps,

we could teach them how to fish,

but it's better for us if we catch the fish, and teach them how to cook!

lesson one...

valentine's day? my heart is pounding!

all this snow have you itching for something without wheels?

try this at seven oaks, or sleepy hollow...

http://www.youtube.com/v/Rd8AJdcnw4A.swf

oh, and happy valentine's day, love birds and jay birds,

from the reverend and all the orphans

another take on drug testing

the new york times tackles drug testing among the american pro ranks.

this ought to settle the matter, once and for all.

We're the Government -- and You're Not

i've been thinking a lot lately, and this is what i've learned. i hope you learn it, too.

love is in the air [or is it in outer space?]

all this talk about love lately has raised

quite a few questions among my readers,

and i always try to keep my loyal readers happy,

as best as i am able.

a long-time reader from utah writes to ask:

"has anyone ever had sex in outer space?"

well, of course, i could answer your question,

but i'd rather that you find out here.

[it WILL be on the test.]

squirrels: mischievous, or fastidious?

Dear Dr. Science, How come the rain water that comes from my downspouts is always full of soap suds?

Dr. Science says: Squirrels are doing their laundry in your gutters. Check your laundry detergent levels. Probably you're missing a cup or two every time it rains. Squirrels keep at least two separate fur jumpsuits, one for warm weather and the other for cold. Gray squirrels are more fashion conscious than red or brown squirrels, and hate to appear in public with even a oil spot on their tail. The rare black squirrel is especially susceptible to the cold, and in winter will often wear three furs at once, each held in place by a tiny zipper. If those zippers gets stuck, then the squirrel may die from heatstroke come spring, so they carefully oil their zippers, usually with nut oil.

dude, it's like totally free, man

i'm like totally rearranging my summer, man,

because sharon and ozzie said they want me to be there.

i'm gonna take my dogs, because they like to rock, too.

rs rs rs rs rs

by the way, the new rolling stone features their choice of "guitar gods."

check this rolling stone video of the three sitting, talking,

and playing, and tell me who YOU think the gods prefer!

chad's new family travel plan, & other love stories

i was out tooling around this weekend,

and saw chad testing the hitch on his just-refurbished trailer.

it looks like he's getting ready to bring the whole family

to the longer races this season.

and it also looks like his winter strength training is working well.

* * * * *

and speaking of love...

the recent "snow" full moon has brought about some very exciting and heart-warming developments on the "love front"--especially appropriate as valentine's day fast approaches.

here's one story that may have caught some cupid watchers by surprise, but not the reverend, who has long said "it's love, not rocket science."

* * * * *

talking of science always makes me think about religion,

and of the strange and wonderful ways god chooses to play his hand.

one of the brightest stars on god's team, ted haggard, has had a noteworthy year, starring in the cinematic sleeper "church camp," in addition to being the head of a 14,000 member-strong congregation church in always-stable colorado.

god has a different task for ted and his family, though, and it isn't just saving souls 14,000 at a time.

nope.

it's gonna be saving gay souls.

mark my words: after just three weeks, ted is "completely heterosexual" [something some folks have been struggling with for years], and he and his wife, a woman, are both getting their masters degrees ON-LINE in psychology, and will soon re-emerge stronger, fuller of god's love, and with a new tv contract.

by the way, if you'd like to read what others have to say about this

"miraculous" reversal, read here. and hold on.

saturday ramblings and musings

madonna and child




it's still really cold outside [it IS iowa in february, after all], and in anticipation of tomorrow's super bowl, i'm having some difficulty focusing on singular thoughts. see?

so here's a sampling:

i've long admired madonna, not so much for her music, more because of it, and what it has allowed her to do: she has become a strong woman who has been able to do whatever she has wanted to do. when she has done this or that [imagine humorous links], the media has howled while her legion of fans has grown, and--more importantly--has imitated her. she is a mother now, and after having one of her own, she has done the morally correct thing and adopted a child from an orphanage in malawi, an extremely poor african country known by me to be the source of a wonderful coffee bean which, when roasted to a medium finish, results in a cup of coffee which rivals my kenya aa dark roast for flavor and mildness. madonna has changed her views on religion [as did i several years ago, to much less fanfare], and has begun writing and publishing children's books. [a note: i have written the outlines for a few, and the writing process is just a couple more inspirations away. interested illustrators should contact me with ideas] madonna has started a foundation to raise awareness of the plight of orphans in malawi, and more than that, she has poured a lot of her own money into trying to turn the tides of poverty and despare for these kids. this is good, and deserves the time it will take you to read about it.

texas women...not something i often realize that i am thinking about, but it turns out that i do. and some of my favorites have died lately. [by the way, i am really quite offended by the use of the term "passing" to refer to the fact that someone has died. "passing" is what i expect to see in tomorrow's game, along with "blocking" and "tackling." say what you mean, and stop wussing out on accepting the fact that someone has DIED. it's a fact of life.] molly ivins, ann richards, and nellie connally all represented the kind of woman that everyone has to admire and respect. strong and independent-minded, with a voice and a will to match. we are fortunate to have live in their times, and are better for them having lived. their deaths will not silence their voices. to me, this fact represents the notion of life after death--that the products of their lives continue to have an affect on someone else's life. there's not much more for which a person should hope for a life well-lived.

money continues to be the root of most evil, and will be the ruin of--what now?--youtube. they've killed kenny. you bastards.

the american criminal justice system, along with the second amendment [and its grant of a right of state militias to arm themselves], continues to be one of the most misunderstood pillars of the american experiment in democracy. oh, let me add the notion of the "separation of church and state" to my short list of greatly misunderstood pillars.

porn. it all its wonderful forms.

oh, and high school wrestling. go cubbies. [never EVER thought i'd utter that in any sort of public forum]

acquisitions and purchases

life has been pretty interesting, so far, and there doesn't seem to be much that would suggest that aspect is going to change anytime soon. i can look at an old photograph, and immediately recall the place and circumstances, as well as the smells, tastes, sounds and what took place right before and after. at the same time, that photo will reveal things about me at the present time, and offer significant glimpses into my future, and perhaps the futures of others. the photo below offers all you need to know about the source of my love for old cars, for example. a bit too obtuse, you say? not really. that's not me in the stroller; it's my brother, kirk, and the stroller is brand new.

new stroller, june, 1952

i wouldn't inherit this particular item for another couple years:

my first used car.

* * * * *

new bikes

each and every part is thoroughly examined before it is accepted for use on any of my racing bikes

it is seeming more and more likely that i actually will be riding a new bike later this season--and the scene shown above will be replayed in my basement shop, as i attempt the always baffling assembly process. this trepidatious undertaking is made even more daunting by the several generations of improvements that have become obsolete since last i had a new bike. i joked last memorial day weekend about how my rear wheel must have been a piece of shit to self-destruct with less than 80,000 miles on it. hell, my 1974 campy high-flange hubs work just fine. [don't ask sterling about my mountain bike maintenance skills--cheap, top-of-the-line xtr stuff] if you see me at the side of the road, scratching my head, when i should be racing, don't worry: i've probably just learned something new that everyone else has known for years. and i'm probably amazed. no biggie.

yet ANOTHER fucking photo test

i'm as thrilled as the guy in the background of this photo,

as you might imagine, that the fucking geniuses who run this blogger place have FINALLY addressed the inability of ME to post photos as other folks have been doing all along.

so, suspicious as ever, i'm going to try to post this, and see if it's just another fucking hoax.

col. bruce hampton, ret.

here's a great story about bruce hampton,

whom i consider a friend, and who is one of the most creative folks i've ever met. if you are familiar with the allman brothers band, the derek trucks band, the aquarium rescue unit, jazz is dead, the fiji mariners, blueground undergrass, and now widespread panic, you are familiar with the influences of this man.

read it, check out some of the links, and learn about this musical genius. he's been in the area a number of times, but not lately, and the liklihood of his return to this side of the midwest is slim. but he is really worth checking out. amazing stuff. i rank him with frank zappa in terms of sheer innovativeness.

enjoy.