i'm telling ya, the place is going to hell.
they're lurking just on the other side of "gated communities" waiting to pounce!
this one is masquerading as a "house pet!" [you'll read about THIS tragedy soon]
who's the alpha here? the dude with the cap has no thumbs!
look closely: these two raccoons killed five small dogs. [just shows they're not without some redeeming qualities, i guess.]
but did you notice that not ONE of these raccoons was shown reading the des moines register? just what the hell does THAT imply? clearly, they have been ordered to not reveal the source of their evil ideas. can it mean anything else? i'm warning you--these little sons of bitches are gonna be riding bikes on ragbrai next week, squeeking out "on your left" like every other stupid jerk on a bike, but THESE cyclists will KILL you.
but you'll deserve it, because you didn't listen to me.
so have fun.
[need further proof? here is stolen--um, not stolen, but it was given to me--surveillance video showing a raccoon sitting in at a register editorial board meeting. watch it, but don't tell anyone where you saw it, or i'm in DEEP shit! for real.]
2 comments:
The rev must have flunked zoology, those are badgers not raccoons, coming from Wisconsin I ought to know. You are lucky you didn't hit a badger, those things can rip your head off, unless you are wearing a helmet, badgers don't like the taste of styrofoam. Feel free to pass that information on to my good friend Keith.
Duffy
well, actually, i knew they were badgers, but, like with any semi-great journalistic venture, i take a little license with what i publish.
it's not like they don't LOOK like raccoons, and it does make it a bit funnier [at least to my scabby way of thinking] to suggest that they are actuall raccoons.
hey, don't you have shit to draw or something?
have fun next week.
and actually, i took principles of animal biology twice as an undergrad. it was a five-hour course, and i got a "c" the first time. well, that was no fucking good, so i took it "second-grade only," and managed to miss the final for some apparently legitimate reason. the prof and i negotiated and negotiated a make up test date, but to no avail. so he gave me a b+.
we did NOT cut up badgers, but i DID dissect the hell out of lots of OTHER little critters.
10 hours of zoology, there you have it.
thanks for asking, eh?
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