the answer to today's traffic quiz

Traffic Question

Most men will get this right .....
Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road

with a NO PASSING sign posted,

and you come upon a bicycle rider.
Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles,

or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

. . . . .

Which is the correct choice?

?

?

?

?

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?
IT'S ONLY FOR TWO MILES, WHAT IF SHE FALLS !
Men get it right, because men are more considerate.

monday got ya down?

A brief interview with the devil, given how he was a little busy, what with the world the way it is, and such

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The devil wore patent leather Bruno Magli wingtips, a Dolce camelhair jacket, houndstooth fedora. We met at a small café on the outskirts of Amsterdam; he was dashing off to a climate meeting where he planned to heckle scientists in the form of a trembling flat-earther before cruising over to North Korea to whisper backwards Latinate phrases into the tormented ear of Kim Jong Il. Then on to Alberta to broker some new oilsands deals, and finally, off to Rome to further tempt Vatican clergy in the form of a beautiful, smooth-skinned altar boy named Rodrigo.

Not bad for an afternoon's work, he said, grinning.

Thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions. I understand you're very busy.

Hang on, just finishing up this text to Ballmer. "Congrats on Windows 7! We finally did it!" Now let me just Twitter about finding irrefutable proof that Obama is a Nazi sympathizer, then plant this item on Drudge about the new health care bill secretly taking H1N1 vaccines away from white Christian children and giving them to Mexican illegals. There.

OK, make it quick, I gotta pack for a petrochem summit in Davos. Keynote, as usual. Those boys f--king love me.

I appreciate your time. Now, many say the world is in a horrible state of turmoil...

Isn't that great, by the way? That's just f--king great. Dear God, I rule.

I'm sorry?

It's not, actually, just FYI. Here's a little secret I don't talk about much, but you'll forget it the instant I leave anyway: The world is actually teeming with beauty and life and rejuvenation, hope and awe and epiphany, every moment of every day. There is pure bliss, entire universes of knowing, pure God consciousness available in the smallest instant, the complete breath, the gentlest human touch. But you didn't hear it from me! (Laughs, concrete curdles).

Well, there have been some pretty difficult, even horrifying events in the past few years...

Let me just clear up one misconception right here. People thought I was swamped during the Bush years, running that whole glorious, bloody spectacle. And it's true, I was busy. But it was also wonderfully easy.

What do you mean?

Honey, I had armies of devoted minions in power back then. I basically sat back like a fat, narcotized Hamptons housewife while my staff brought me cupcakes made of war and fear and homophobia, Christian evangelicals and Muslim hysteria and economic failure. Glorious, glorious time.

But now? Now it's ... different. Bloom is off the black rose, you might say. I'm still busy, still plenty of ugly out there, but I'm not in control anymore. Now I'm just herding cats. Very, very dumb cats.

But we still have all these problems...

Sure you do. But now there's this sickening movement toward responsibility and progress that I find totally nauseating. I spend all my time planting these ridiculous stories, going lower and lower on the intellectual food chain just to get the dittoheads to scream about, what's that crap again? Birthers? Death squads? Teabagging? ACORN? This is what I'm reduced to. F--king hate it. But at least I'll always have oil. And guns. Talk radio. Monsanto.

But even the world's finest scientists say we're on the cusp of meltdown, what with global warming and ...

Global warming? Please. Total hoax. Evolution? Hoax. Electric cars? Hoax. All of existence? Hoax. The Bible? Actually not a hoax -- the true, literal, perfect English transcript of floaty magic-winged creatures living on sparkly clouds and judging what you eat and how you have sex, because everyone knows the Almighty loves war, college football, and large caliber handguns, hates gays, Muslims and the French, and wears a U.S. flag lapel pin that was actually made in China. Ha!

I don't see how that relates to...

You don't? You don't see how I can hurl BS into the culture on a spit and a whim before I even eat my morning sacrifices? Let me put it this way:
Millions of you actually believe the Bible is literal fact, but you think climate change is a grand, devious ruse. Come on. Who but me could pull off such a masterstroke? I should have my own goddamn reality show. Oh wait, I have all the reality shows.

So you're saying humanity's really not on a collision course with destruction?

Oh hell, of course you are. It's all decay and annihilation and flow and flux. Human civilizations come and go like a divine menstrual cycle. I set my Panerai by it. Never forget, sweetheart: change is the only constant. But as any good mystic or pagan will tell you, destruction and creation are the same god with two intergalactic calling plans. Existence bounded up in a nutshell, the king of infinite space. This is all just a delightful illusion. I should know; I co-designed it.

But what about all the corruption and deception?

Look, I don't care how you measure. Trilateral commission, U.N. security counsel, NSA, CIA, Blackwater, communism, shadow governments, all of them. It's just a grand circus, you know? This is all just a ride. My day-to-day power lies in making millions forget what a cosmic joke it all is.

You take yourselves so damn seriously: your raging political parties, the "crucial" issues, Wall Street, gun control, organized religion, banks, credit card companies, big oil, even the endless wars, dictators, all this nefarious churn. You know what it is? It is the silliest charade. It is monkeys playing piano. It is a grand flea circus on the back of a celestial dog, and he's about to scratch himself.

But what of the pain and suffering? The agony of existence?

Oh my sweet Allah with steaming pork sandwich, what an egotistical species you are! Millennia of war and death and pain and fighting over tiny scraps of land, little dusty strips of nothing, thinking God bestowed it upon you! Let me tell you something: the divine has no agenda whatsoever except to know itself in myriad form. God is a life energy. I am a death energy. Creator/destroyer. Light/dark. Inhale/exhale. Shiva/Shakti. Spit/swallow. Both vital. Both omnipotent. Both essential. You have to choose to see it. You feel me?

I think I do.

How about now?

Please take your tail out of there.

Sure thing, lovebug.

All right, since we're already out of time, let's do a quick lightning round.

Love lightning. Drizzle it on my virgin sacrifices every morning.

I'll toss out some names and current events, and you tell me the first thing that comes to your mind. All right?

Bring it.

Barack Obama

Ha! Dude pisses me off. Can't seem to rile him. Thinks he understands things. Actually does. Know what I hate more than anything, and that includes laughter and singing in the shower and multiple orgasms? Wisdom. Calm, assured wisdom in the face of all the whining and screeching I can muster from my minions. Such gall. Makes my soul pimple.

Rush Limbaugh

I have hangnails more interesting.

Glenn Beck

Who?

Ann Coulter

Has a bizarre thing for dwarves dressed in Chewbacca costumes while she's in full body latex and covered in Crisco. Oh wait, Glenn Beck? Now I remember. All about yodeling, self-flagellation, sniffing the tailpipes of monster trucks, usually simultaneously. They make a cute pair, like a puppet show in an asylum.

The world's dictators. Mugabe, King Abdullah, Hu Jintao...

Ah, now we're getting somewhere! My boys! Some of my best work at the moment. Monsters in different skins, the shadow side incarnate. Love them. What a terrific mirror they are for that part of you so many of you refuse to see!

How about the "New Atheists?" Richard Dawkins, Chris Hitchens, et al?

Cute. Harmless. Completely missing the point. Look, it's way too easy to point out the childish folly, the cute mythology of every major faith in the world. Of course they're fiction. Of course they're totally absurd. Of course those in charge use them to keep millions weak and guilt-riddled and forcibly detached from the idea that they already are divine. A no-brainer, really.

So they're misinformed?

To say the least. They're also only half right. Atheists have merely cut off part of their soul to spite their fate.

After all, it's far more interesting, more challenging to peek behind the silly religious rulebooks and church politics and the obvious myth-making, and taste the source, the wider energy at play. Believing in floaty angels and immaculate conception is for children. Not very bright children, at that. The tantrikas had it absolutely right: the divine is available in an instant, in every moment -- no rules, no complicated hierarchies, no institutions. You are god. You are the devil. Everything else is just maya -- illusion.

But wait, what about...

Whoops, hang on, that's my phone. It's a text from Jesus. Wants to meet for a drink. And it's only noon! That kid is so crazy. If you people only knew. Bye now.

today's forecast: becoming patsy & ferlin, with a good chance of soapflakes

greasoned seedlings, goys and burls!

FLASH: dog bites man!

click here for more details...

it's the new "gold"

can you say "camiseta roja"?

248,298 and counting!

will we reach 250,000 today? perhaps 'round midnight. thanks to all the fans of scrubs and sarah chalke, around the world. i had NO idea she was that popular. seriously popular.

"liege, 1980" -- DON'T SAY IT ! !

[click to enlarge, but read it to yourself, not aloud.]

regular readers will be familiar with my regular rants about how to many neophites overuse the word <<epic>> to include such non-descript events as one's morning poop or a regular bicycle training ride. although either might exceed one's nominal expectations of the day, neither should approach the limits of your capacities or the peripheries of your mental capabilities. now, it seems, the good people at pez have picked up my rant, and have given it an appropriate illustration that proves my point. so just because it snowed the other day, it snows EVERY fucking winter, doesn't it? and just because you ride your bike outside in the snow, STFU about the so-called "epic" nature of it, because if YOU say it's epic, it ain't.

and i con't care if you're lance fucking armstrong, it STILL ain't epic just because you say it is.

now, go out and ride your bicycle.

it's just another day . . .

only a little colder.

shortbus heckling training video released

this is how SERIOUSLY we take our heckling!

bikini cross, 2009!

[click on photo to enlarge]

* * * * *

if i had a nickel for everytime i said "you just GOTTA go to jingle cross," i'd be a fairly wealthy man.

but if i had a dime for every time someone said to me, "you know, you were RIGHT about what you said about going to jingle cross,"

i could afford to buy these women

"kim west radio cycling show"

racing bikinis!!

pearl

pearl dancing at burning man. she danced with friends every sunday morning; it was her spiritual thing. she was such a powerful being. things and people flourished because of her.

janna and her burning man bike; it was later painted white and permanently decorated with flowers and such. sadly, i never made it to the festival with her.

i first encountered and became entranced by this smile in junior high school. it never changed. i'm sure gonna miss this one.

. . . . .

life never gets easier, i've learned. the most one can hope for is to not be overwhelmed by what life throws your way. ironically, the very strength that pearl helped others discover within themselves was never fully accessible to pearl when she needed it most. she constantly pushed and tested her limits in her explorations of human despair, to better equip her to help others cope with theirs. it was not necessarily a noble undertaking, in her view. it was just what she did: she gave of herself to others. those who knew her were better as a result of that.

pearl

my friend pearl died monday; i learned of her death yesterday. i am struggling to put into words how i feel about this loss.

ahead of the curve

that's where i've always striven to stay. so with that as my guiding principle, watch this. and take notes. i tell ya, i'm ON to something that's gonna be BIG.

let's make THIS happen in des moines!!

check out this link to an insane ride--entirely within the portland city limits!
or watch THIS video from 2007, which gpickle tells me is BETTER!!

i hate qwest

Chat Transcript
info: Thank you for using Qwest.com. A Qwest Sales and Service Consultant will be with you in just a moment. Your account information is confidential and protected by law. Advise our agent if you prefer that we don't use it to market bundled services. This has no effect on the service or offers we provide for you.
info: Thank you for contacting Qwest. My name is Taylor B. How may I help you today?
kim west: i am unable to log into my account.
Taylor B: I apologize for the inconvenience.
Taylor B: I will be happy to assist you.
kim west: that's ok; not your fault.
Taylor B: What is the billing phone number on your account?
kim west: 515-XXX-XXXX
Taylor B: Thank you.
Taylor B: Just to verify that I am speaking with the responsible party on this account, please provide me with your Qwest Security Code.
kim west: hm?
Taylor B: It is a 12 character code Qwest issued to you.
Taylor B: If you are at the billing number now, I can have an automated call made to you with the security code or I would be happy to mail the security code to your billing address.
kim west: [reading from current bill] 515-XXX-XXXX-ZZZ
RTaylor B: That is your account number. The security code is a separate 12 character code.
kim west: yes...
Taylor B: Are you at that billing number now?
kim west: no; it's my fax line. where can i find it? i just want to pay my bills on line and avoid the most annoying automated voice mail system ever.
Taylor B: Well it should have been mailed to you when your service started. I would be happy to mail the security code to your billing address. In the meantime, if you call the billing department at 800-491-0118, they can take a payment over the phone.
kim west: i started using this number in 1994. i have already made the payment, i just want to get outside and do something else.
Taylor B: Okay. Unfortunately, I cannot access any account information without verifying a security code.
kim west: whatever. click.

the beauty of delusion: 3' passing laws

jane: "if we just had more laws to protect bicyclists, we could pedal our way right into nirvana."

dan: "jane, you ignorant slut."

ol' dan is right again. read here for today's proof that more laws don't protect bicyclsts; strict enforcement and uniform application do.

that, and an EFFECTIVE public awareness campaign about the policy of strict enforcement.

"no, really: we're just friends"

that's not completely true -- yet.

today, i became a "fan" of former governor and fellow-radio talk show host sarah palin. on facebook, anyway.

but soon, i hope to become an actual friend.

i think i have a lot to offer, in a friendship kind of way, and i think she is sharp enough to recognize that.

but time is of the essence.

the future of our democracy--our way of life--lies in the balance.

or some sort of shit like that.

wish me luck...

i'm going in!

answering THE age-old question:

a pie in the sky to soupy sales