running away . . .

there are days when the tides come in, and days when the tides go out. there are other days when you find yourself stuck in a backwater of murky crap that seems so familiar that you don't even notice the smell.

i'm not really sure what kind of day i had today. raining again, i rode to the dentist [got soaked, but whatever], then had lunch with an old girlfriend; one that i REALLY was crazy-goofy about. i don't get that way very often, despite what lippold might say. but she was one of those women who didn't try to challenge me, or try to change me, or that stuff. but i have had a tendancy to close in, to keep secret, to guard, and try to remain inpenetrable and unaffected. that's not always so good in relationships, but it works pretty good for staying OUT of them. she enabled me to get free of those self-imposed restraints, and it was loads of fun.

however, i found that knack of remaining closed quite useful during my career as a public defender: it didn't really matter what the accused supposedly did--or didn't--do. do my job, it doesn't matter; don't think about it, don't let it bother you. but in the four years since i left that post, i've spent a lot of time thinking about that [as well as many other things, duh]. lunch with my former lover gave me a brief chance to re-examine my feelings from those few years back, before i got a phone call from a woman whom i had the pleasure to represent while she was awaiting being charged with some VERY serious crimes [she had caused the death of another, it would be alleged]. we were to appear in court tomorrow for the first time. but a quick call this afternoon changed all that. after two months of representation, many hours of talking and what-have-you, just legal stuff, and thought, and work, she called to tell me she was going to discharge me, and retain someone else.

no comments, no explanations, no nothing. what can i do? nothing. probably won't even get paid for it.

but it really bothers me, the weeks of emotion i put into it, and then--poof. gone. done. i hope things turn out well for her, i really do.

but i wish i could get some sort of feedback. some relationships beg for closure.