from the fashion [& airport] police blotter

would somebody PLEASE help this man?!?!

[bring a razor, a small ruler, and a level]

. . . . .

and somebody PLEASE give this man some training wheels...

or sign him to a developmental bike polo team!

. . . . .

and finally, this, with resignation.

. . . . .

what's gonna happen when congress comes back,

and things really get busy?

good news for republicans! [and others]

in a dramatic about face, the state of iowa has offered

senator "widestance" craig an opportunity to go legit

with his new-found version of family values.

and in even better news,

the mostly reverend stands ready to oblige:

"i hereby offer a half-price deal on same sex marriages."

[contact me privately, or leave your info in the comments section.]

tour de france flash!!

THIS JUST IN!!

public service announcment

everything you wanted to know about bathroom sex*

[but were afraid to ask]

. . .

but don't thank me, thank senator larry "widestance" craig.

how to beat a dead horse

i am soooo busted.

feel like senator craig, republican from idaho,

except I'M gonna fess up.

"I will say my nights are not without drama and entertainment.

@ about 1:30 am I was sitting at my desk when I realized that eebler-kay*,

our 12 yr old 12 # min pin was sitting behind me.

She began whining and obviously wanted to go "out".

I always carry her out at night so I can survey the night activity in the yard

before I release her into the wild.

We have a lot of coons prowling about.

I observed for several minutes and then set the little dog down,

what I didn't see was the 40# coon frozen under the outside table.

eebler-kay hadn't missed this.

Next to the back door I keep a short handled, diamond shaped hoe.

Dog attacked coon, coon returned fire all hell broke loose.

The fucking hoe was gone, enda-glay decided to put it AWAY.

This was not a good match and the outcome would be worse,

eebler-kay has no fear. She was outsized but not out quicked.

She is incredibly fast and an exceptionally efficient killer.

The coon was big and very pissed.

I was unarmed but would defend that dog to my death.

I also have a limited sense of fear.

Hell I can't even get to the dentist.

Dog grabbed coon, coon missed dog,

I grabbed the bastard by the tail and slammed it into the tree.

Lost my grip and the dog attacked again.

Coon is really pissed now. The dog is yelping in pain.

I am now furious and in kill mode.

I grabbed the sob by the back of the neck and rammed it's head into the tree again.

enda-glay has appeared, In pj top & skivvies.

She grabs eeb-kay and heads for the house.

I am now one on one with a very very angry coon.

In the int-clay Eastwood-way movies, ie Good Bag Ugly,

when ever he spit someone died, I spit.

I beat that fucking son of a bitch to death.

I am so wound up I may never go to bed,

enda-glay is now playing solitaire on the computer, can't sleep.

enda-glay got up because she forgot to take her bike off the car rack,

it was already in the garage. then went to the kitchen for a drink.

We had a heart to heart about removing my weapons.

The little dog is sleeping on her pillow with a sock,

unscathed & unmarked. dreaming about her great adventure.

I have a coon for the trash on Friday.

My wrist and forearm are sore from the beating that coon took.

--oug-day"

[* all names have been changed to protect the identity of, well, someone.]

. . .

well, here's the truth:

there was NO raccoon on the road south of woodward.

i made it up.

i was the raccoon in the story above.

i received this mysterious, anonymous email today.

obviously, someone knows the sordid truth.

MY sordid truth:

i am the min pin slasher.

my m.o.: lure them out into the country, then, well, my friends did it.

i'll admit it.

i hate the little dogs.

i don't know why, i just do. they're so . . . so . . . small!

i want to apologize to all the kids, and grown-up triathletes,

who have considered me a role model.

my actions have been immature.

i guess i need to grow up.

r.i.p.

some people have a profound effect as the stroll through life.

this guy was a biggie.

dust off the ramones, kiddies,

it's time to spin some platters.

UPDATE: for more, check here.

more with the bike polo

i'll do ya a favor, and give you the direct link

to a nice, to-the-point article in urbanvelo.org about

your new, favorite sport.

the magazine itself is pretty cool.

mess with your browser from the above link,

or go to the urbanvelo.org site directly.

it's pretty unwieldly; try the pdf form, i suppose,

or go to the table of contents, and alter the address yourself.

but there are instructions how to build your own mallet.

be creative.

further proof that helmets cause stupidity

raw data from a soon-to-be-released study showing the relationship between helmet use and two-wheeled idiocy.
cringe, and enjoy.

off-season hi-jinks

mark my word, kiddies,

you'll be playing & loving this sport sooner than

the u.s. sees another president bush!

i recently mentioned doing this with the women this fall.

. . . . . improving your bike handling skills on the grass at low speed,

and carry a big stick, too.

. . . . .

you can wear matching kits, too, and have real games.

. . . . .

you'll want to watch this.

more information and polo porn:

american association site

collection of sites and photos, not all working

a bit of bike polo history

"The only source on the web owned by

a three-time winner of the World Championship"

league-forming information will follow in this space.

look for the return of the dead bikemen polo jersey.

this is gonna be bigger than roller derby!!

a final comment?

a brief, terse reply, pete--

if you wish to talk about "selfish," ask those who scattered in your wake at the rainy april road race as you wound up your sprint. ask those who had to leap out of your way as you bulldogged your way around the last corner in iowa city. i could go on. road cycling is a sport of strength AND finesse, and not just brawn and brute force. i intend to address the tt bars issue the next time i ride a tuesday night. i am out of town tomorrow, so it will be the following week. i will address with my typical humor and aplomb the need for folks to maintain focus and attention to the task at hand while riding at speed with 50 to 60 other cyclists, and the need to be able to make prudent and safe manouvers in a split second. i would also hope that, as their friend, YOU would have told them ahead of time NOT to ride in their aeros. there are many things that are learned with time and experience. judgment is one of those. in the meantime, an air of deferrence is helpful. and when i smash my head on the pavement, you hereby have my permission to sit it out.

--the mostly reverend

. . . . .

jesus. i am really happy that so many folks are sitting around worrying about my inevitable demise. seriously, folks, i HAVE been riding for over 50 years. you think i haven't had more than my share of close calls and near hits? of course, i have.

do you think that with these "oversized brains" of mine that i haven't thought about those circumstances?

or that i haven't thought--EVERY time i ride my bike--about chris, harold, block, sherry, and all my other dead friends, PLUS all the dead strangers whose funerals i've attended over the last few years?

do you REALLY THINK that when i talk about the profound effect these funeral rides have had on me, that i'm just talking bullshit, for effect?

do you think that i don't think about my grandchildren?

do you think that i don't consider this and more as i teach my granddaughter to ride her bike?

do you think that i don't think about my daughter and son-in-law?

do you think that it doesn't occur to me--EVERY TIME I RIDE MY BIKE--that this could just be my last ride?

well, i do.

and still, i ride as i do.

respect that. i don't ask that you understand it.

. . . . .

so i appreciate your concern.

but the likelihood of your friends causing a crash on a tuesday night ride

is MUCH greater than the chances of me causing a crash

because i'm bare-headed.

tell them to stop looking at my head,

and to watch the wheel in front of them.

. . . . .

from lou's blog:

Kim, I have a few issues with your remarks, and none of them have anything to do with the "squirrely" comment. First of all, I can't believe we're getting safety lessons from a guy who doesn't wear a helmet. Yea, yea, spare your speech regarding, "my not wearing a helmet doesn't cause any wrecks". Bottomline is...is very selfish to the others that have to scoop your oversized brains up when your melon splats all over the pavement. You want to ride without a helmet then do it on a ride when your by yourself. The raccoon may not care but WE do. I'm 100% with Mable on this one. I'm sure that infringes on your "rights" but I don't want to live with the image of your hairy lid squashed all over the pavement as I'm holding it together waiting for the ambulance. No thanks! Besides, with all the recent cyclists being hit, and you being the self-proclaimed intellect that you say you are, one would think you're smart enough to figure it out.Secondly, aren't you the guy, only months ago, that was writing emails saying the TNWCS ride needed to be more of a training ride? Weren't you the one that said we should be waiting up for others so as to not discourage them from riding. I respect that your trying to put the rules out there for everyone to abide by, I've learned some things this year by listening, but we don't need to turn this thing ugly causing people to not show up. As someone who understands the differnt ways to delivery of a message you do a poor job of it during the rides. Take a more democratic approach, single the guy out and privately talk to him as not to put him on display for ridicule. I've always respected the guys who do that more than the loud mouths that bark out orders like they've never made a mistake in the peloton. These TRI guys are my GOOD friends and I don't want them to be discouraged in anyway to ride with us or to feel any tension when they show up. Besides, a little rubbing int he peloton isn't all bad, it definitely happens in the races. Rubbin' is racin'.Third, can you please not drag the "TT" comments into every single email on TeamEMU for the next month. You tend to grab ahold of something and wear it out; ie raccoon and now the TT bars.Good luck today at the State Crits, see you there.

it isn't exactly the "drawing board"

but the barrel george w. bush has used--for decades--to supply his various administration positions with lackeys and flunkies shows no sign of being nearly empty.

here, aides pull out a replacement for out-going family man karl rove.

secretly, cynics are rejoicing.

who is crazier?

this deranged former rock icon,
or this deranged former viet nam era war figure?

[hint: they are both threatening the lives of people you just might know]

romance

does it seem that long ago,
'twas such a simple task?

all one had to do for some
was find a girl, and ask?
. . .
was it so much worse than now--
dates with books and class notes?
now with texting and IMs,
there's no need for love boats.
. . .
maybe i'm too old to know,
or worse, too old to care.
still, this dick would like to show
he's somewhat debonair.
. . .
all the same, there's such a price
to pay for true romance:
one's not always far off base
who sits the final dance.

hello, world

i have this feature on here that tells me, generally,

where you are when you visit today's sermonette.

have i said "thank you" lately?

i just checked the world map to see who's been here the last couple days.

. . . . .

a milestone, for us, was reached with our first visitor from the south american continent. but there were actually visitors from three very different locations: the netherland's antilles; santiago, chile;

and managua, nicaragua.

welcome!! and thanks for visiting, friends and neighbors.

. . . . .

so here's where our recent readers call home:

europe: 3 locations in turkey; madrid & barcelona, spain; several in the united kingdom; moscow, russia; kuopio, finland; 2 locations in sweden; netherlands; belgium;
asia: seoul, south korea; punjab, pakistan; riyadh, saudi arabia;

kuwait; jakarta, indonesia;
south america: santiago, chile; netherlands antilles;

managua, nicaragua;
australia: three locations;
north america: toronto, canada, and all over the continental states.

. . . . .

as always, thanks for visiting!

we do not take any of you for granted.

please leave a comment some time, if you would.

oh, great

this is just what we want to hear.

remember ME?

who the hell AM i?

[click on my photo for a clue]

. . .

i'm patrick mchenry,

a wise-guy republican from north carolina,

the buckle of the nascar belt.

you might think by looking at me that i'm the weather guy at

w-ass, tv6 from raleigh. but in reality,

i'm the brilliant congressman who ridiculed the democratic party

for their insistence that the bicycle was a major component of solving the energy crisis.

i'm so smart that i joked that they were proposing

a "19th century solution to a 21st century problem."

well, guess what?

the fucking congress fucked me over big time.

i am such an asshole now.

god, how can i show my face on the floor of congress, after i said this:

“A major component of the Democrats’ energy legislation and the Democrats’ answer to our energy crisis is, hold on, wait one minute, wait one minute, it is promoting the use of the bicycle.
Oh, I cannot make this stuff up. Yes, the American people have heard this. Their answer to our fuel crisis, the crisis at the pumps, is: Ride a bike.
Democrats believe that using taxpayer funds in this bill to the tune of $1 million a year should be devoted to the principle of: “Save energy, ride a bike.”

. . . . .

i am such a dumb ass.

man. good thing i'm from north carolina.

those rubes! hell, they elected me once.

what did dubya say?

"fool me once, shame on you..."

i'll get re-elected.

you just watch.

fucking idiots.

coming in september! [set your tivo]

bush: " 9/11?"

gates: "yup, 911."

petraeus: "sir, nine eleven, sir!"

bush: "thank you, general. so we agree, 9/11?"

both: "911, sir."

bush: "progress 9/11?"

gates: "yup, progress 911."

petraeus: "sir, progress nine eleven, sir!"

bush: "progress 9/11."

bush: "surge 9/11?"

gates: "yup, surge 911."

petraeus: "sir. surge nine eleven, sir!"

bush: "thank you, 9/11."

VFL

much to the surprise and delight of bookies

and dog sport lovers everywhere,

former NFL quarterback

and born-again sincere human being michael vick

was sentenced today by d.c. administrative judge roy pearson today

in a move quickly put together by his defense attorneys,

and approved by prosecutors and hailed by victim advocate

people for the ethical treatment of animals.

while specifics have not yet been released,

the general terms of his probationary sentence requires that

vick perform community service at halftime

at college and high school football games for the next three to five years.

highlights include:

1--that vick must play either quarterback or wide receiver,

depending on the play called;

2--that the play will be determined

by members of the host school's football team;

3--that whether vick must run the ball as a scrambling quarterback

or catch a pass as a receiver will not be known

until just before each play is executed;

4--that he will have one series to move the ball from

his own 20 yard line to his opponent's end zone;

5--that moving the ball 10 yards will get vick a first down;

6--that he will be defended by one large dog.

if, after three years, vick has a winning record,

he wll be released from probation.

however, if he has a losing record,

he will be "punished" and required to play another season.

schools playing host to VFL games will be selected from schools

whose mascots are dogs.

again

it's been a long year, and death has had a good one.

. . . . .

so i'm riding my bike in valley junction

and some clown in a minivan cut me off.

. . .

just as quickly as she came, she disappeared down a side street.

it looks like she had a dashboard filled with cream pies,

and that i was almost another senseless, innocent victim of

the on-going turf war between rival gangs of clowns

that has been gripping the capitol city this summer.

this driver, an obvious member of

the oldest, best-financed sect of white-faced clowns,

was no doubt on patrol on the well-heeled west side,

as this incident too place on rail road avenue, in historic valley junction,

the scene of some of the ugliest clown confrontations this summer.

i was riding my red fixed-gear track bike, sporting my new coonskin cap.

i must have been mistaken for a member of

the whitey's fiercest rival gang, the augustes,

who are celebrating their holy month as we speak.

i'm flattered to have been confused for an auguste-

-known to be "the least intelligent and most zany" of all clowns-

rather than the sad tramp or happy hobo, whose home turf i was near,

just south of railroad, along the river valley woods.

police said they'd investigate, but you know how that goes.