Tuesday, May 29, 2007

i did some ministerial work this weekend

. . . . .
bjarne riis took my advice over the weekend.
. . . . .
. . . . .
it took him a little while . . .
i don't know every reason, i'm sure there was a translation issue,
his english isn't THAT good
[although his spanish and italian is rather impressive,
and i love to hear "puerto" with a danish lilt].
but i'm a forgiving person by nature-
-it's my calling, my curse, my cross to bear-
-and i spent the better part of saturday at my usual station in burlington,
on the snake, urging cyclists to come clean,
to confess their prior doping sins.
i was really quite surprised at the vast number of people
from whom i took confessions and granted forgiveness.
not just former AND current racers,
but cycling photographers and cycling journalists,
race officials, corner marshalls,
the local women wearing yellow "security" t-shirts,
the jesus people giving away holy water,
even one of the announcers
and several of the race sponsors.
they ALL admitted that at one time or another
they had taken some performance-enhancing substance.
the shocker of the day was the young couple
who squeezed into my makeshift confessional to tell me
they had been slipping human growth hormones into their child's food
to help him or her win the 5 year-old big wheel race.
five years old, 3' 10", 85 pounds; is that normal these days?
. . . . .
i had no idea how widespread doping in cycling really was.
. . . . .
so great was the response on saturday,
that i have decided to open up the confessional
to you, my loyal readers,
and to your friends and cycling cohorts.
. . . . .
post your personal doping confession
in the comment section,
before me, the mostly reverend,
and the rest of the entire world.
i'll forgive each and every confessor,
and give you a minor penance to perform.
. . . . .
if you don't trust me, trust greg lemond--you'll feel GREAT!
you might not ever ride well again [ask tyler],
but you MIGHT just snag a really good team,
and win snake alley shortly thereafter.
let's pitch in and clean up this sport . . .
the sport YOU helped ruin!
. . . . .

15 comments:

john said...

REALLY?
John
You were just outstanding at the Moline race.

the mostly reverend said...

you make me blush, my son.
did you have something you wanted to confess?
you're pretty old to race this well without a little "help" if you know what i mean.

john said...

I take and appreciate all the help I can get these days. When I really undersatand that the end is near - watch out.
John
Dude, I've got to passon the Hummer this weekend - fuckin jobs. Are you man enough to wait for me until the next cup race?
Actually I think I'm going to miss several of the next events. It is time to change my focus to more miles and less ah ah ah speed?
John

Dave Mable said...

I must be on dope, cuz I thought I heard that piggy won a race or two. My only conclusion is that I'm on dope... or pigs on dope!

Dopey Dave

jeremy sievers said...

I have been sniffing Tang for some time now. I was on a sugar high for all of my major wins, from 2003-2006. I was floating like an astronaut for Cat 3 elkhart season 2 win and my fabled cat 4 state road race sprint in 04. You can come and get my medals, they are at home in a box. I have my memories.

the mostly reverend said...

john,
is this deadwood training you;re doing?
i'll light a candle at both ends for you.
you need to ride wider tires with knobs.

dave,
i think you just got hold of some bad dope. happens all the time.
you must take three extra pulls tonight, and launch two hail marys [ie, solo attacks--no blue streak attached].

go, and sin no more, or less, you crazy kids.

the mostly reverend said...

jeremy,
your fall is legendary.
from the highest peaks, well, hills, you have stumbled, nay, plunged, nay lepaed.
you may be screwed.
your sins are not only of commission but omission.
double whammy for you.
thou shall not downgrade.
but your self-imposed banishment from the sport is punishment enough, as you must cheer from the sideline as others [read: pig, of all people] steal your glory.
keep the metals, i have enough of them.
i'm taking your memories, as mine have been misplaced.
i know they're somewhere here at the orphanage...

S.Fuller said...

I rode and finished a 200k with a nasty gin hangover. Snot doping, but it's the closest thing I got....

Congrats on the excellent showing at Snake Alley this weekend Reverend. I hope to be 25% as good when I'm half your age.

the mostly reverend said...

steve/chris,
were you on your single speed, or was it in fixie mode?
your penance depends on the nature of the bike you ride.
were you drinking gin AS YOU RODE?
that would decrease the number and severity of your lashes.

Robert Fry said...

I remember when someone in England failed a dope test after a 24 hour time trial. Seems he had drunk a little too much tea during the night to help him stay awake. As he did not win (or place), neither the race officials nor the RTTC took any action.

S.Fuller said...

Since I was on the lime green La-Z-Bike, I have a feeling that I'm in for it ;)

the mostly reverend said...

steve, steve, steve...
many think that riding a redundant is its own punishment, and while for those who ride real bikes it WOULD be, for those who choose [say "chew-zuh" televangelist style] to do so vol-un-TARE-ill-ee represent a real cuh-NUN-drum for civi-LIZED so-SIGH-eh-tee.
on the one hand, one rightly feels repulsion, a sickness in the soul, when an otherwise normal person is seen riding such a conTRAP-shun. but IN-stinct-uh takes hold and one STUG-gulls to remain po-LIGHT-lee disposed-uh.

your penance? do a quick 30 mile gravel road ride--with hills, YOU know the area--on your LA-zee-boy-uh re-DUN-dunt.
[you'll know why i utter "fodduh, fuh-give them, for they know not what they ride" whenever someone pedals by on such a "bike" as yours.
it's NEVER-uh to late-uh to ask for forgiveness-uh.

Frank Brigandi said...

* spectacles, testicles, wallet watch*
Please forgive me father for I have sinned. I have taken performance enhancing drugs for about 1 year now. But I must say that my wife is a happier woman for it. Please free me of the little blue fottballs once and for all.
Thank you father. Oh and I took the lords name in vain about64 times today and 11 times on saturday. thanks for understanding.

the mostly reverend said...

little blue footballs, happy wives, bluish vision?
everything coming up, rosie?
ah, such is your dilemma.
truly and verily, the sins are becoming increasingly more complex.
although i have been happily unmarried for decades, i am aware of the difficulties related to achieving and maintaining that delicate happy balance between a tolerable home life and two-wheeled ecstasy.
your self-medication practice of taking the lord's name in vain will not be in vain IF you sustain a functional level of use. 64 times in one day, followed by only 11 the next is your problem.
you must strive to achieve a workable level.
try the 35-40 times a day range.
remember, it's only in vain if it doesn't work.
thanks for writing.
let us know how your life improves.

Anonymous said...

i can't take it anymore:
i cheated.
seven times.
i'm such a fraud.
oh well,
nobody but a bunch of assholes reads this shit,
and anyway, i'm set for life now.