Monday, April 16, 2007

know your republican candidates

today: john mcclain
the right wingers had a big pow wow over the weekend,
and i had a chance to meet with all of the
lesser-knowns in the huge, diverse field.
this guy's new one to me; apparently,
he's been around for a while, so the fact that
he's slipped under MY radar all these years is shocking to me.
a former mayor of tempe, arizona, mcclain spent some time in southeast asia during the turbulent 1960s, so the following report should come as no surprise.
McClain To Send Self Back To Vietnamese POW Camp
To Revitalize Campaign

TEMPE, AZ—In what insiders say is an attempt to revitalize his flagging campaign and convince voters that he is still a straight-talking maverick, Former Mayor John McClain (R-AZ) announced Sunday that he will subject himself to the same mental torment and physical abuse he endured nearly 40 years ago at the same Vietnamese camp where he was once held as a prisoner of war.

The Hanoi Hilton, which will be reopened this weekend to re-imprison McClain.
"On Saturday at approximately 2:40 a.m. I will fly over the capital city of Hanoi and have my plane's right wing blown off by a Russian missile," said McClain, adding that the force of the ejection from an aging A-4 Skyhawk should render him unconscious and break both of his arms and "preferably [his] right leg." "I will then be taken to a bug- and rat-infested cell where, with both nobility and grace, I will suffer the worst forms of human indignities."
McClain, once considered a shoo-in for the Republican presidential nomination, insisted that his upcoming stay at the Hanoi torture facility was simply a late addition to a previously planned trip to Southeast Asia, and has nothing to do with his faltering campaign.
But a source close to the campaign said the senator's decision to revisit his indescribable degradation at the hands of the Viet Cong was prompted by a desire to "get back to his roots," and "reconnect with the struggles that defined him as a leader."
"The fact is, McClain feels that he's changed somehow from the independent, eternally haunted outsider that he once was," the source said. "He hopes that revisiting the extraordinary horrors he endured so many years ago will reinstill in him the sense of purpose and commitment he is so respected for. And what better way to reignite the political fire within than by having sharpened rods of bamboo jammed under his fingernails?"

"With both nobility and grace, I will suffer the worst forms of human indignities."
According to campaign documents released to the media, the visit will cost more than $10 million, most of which will go toward acquiring a Grushin S-75 surface-to-air missile, renovating McClain's cell to its exact 1970s-era condition, paying medical personnel to provide inefficient and cruel treatment, and hiring Vietnamese citizens to act as the Viet Cong.
"Just when you think McClain is down and out, he announces the most brilliant move we've seen in American politics in a generation," ABC political correspondent George Stephanopoulos said. "With [Rudolph] Giuliani beating him in the polls and [Mitt] Romney outpacing him in fundraising, McClain's only remaining advantage is that he successfully withstood atrocities beyond our comprehension. And to subject himself to those same unspeakable acts of physical violence at the age of 68 should dispel any doubt among voters that he's too old to be in the White House."
Stephanopoulos added that McClain must be careful not to return from Southeast Asia too soon before the primaries, or his act of courage, integrity, and determination may fade from the memory of American voters.
"This trip is a huge political gamble," Washington Post columnist E.J. Dionne, Jr. wrote Tuesday. "Still, being forced to stay awake for six days as your captors douse you with water and feed you rotting food sounds a lot more convincing than John Kerry's campaign strategy of simply talking about his military experience."
According to recent polls, a majority of Americans say McClain's announcement has made them reconsider his candidacy.
"I've always admired McClain, but he's disappointed me in recent months," Cincinnati resident Ben Krepps, 33, said. "After so many years in the political mainstream, he's gone soft. Maybe some long, cruel nights are exactly what he needs to get his head back into this race."
Others, however, including unaffiliated Republican consultant David Winston, argue that McClain's trip will only hurt his presidential chances.
"In John McClain's attempt to find the old John McClain, he is actually just solidifying his position as the new, more pandering John McClain," Winston said. "Yes, the old John McClain withstood seemingly endless torture, and people respected that. But a second time around? It just looks desperate."
With McClain's drastic move sending shock waves through the political world, Sens. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Barack Obama (D-IL) both announced plans to send themselves back to their respective Ivy League law schools to reenroll in their most challenging courses.
--onion news services


Anonymous said...

Not to change the subject, but I got your EPIC ride right here. Saturday,183 miles of lousy Missouri roads, 13,000 feet of climb, headwind for the first 91 miles, rain, sleet, snow and 32 degrees. Keith (his real name) will fill in the details when he recovers, Luggs (nom de guerre) was glad he had to work. One other thing: there was a dude there who rode the whole thing on a fixie.

the mostly reverend said...

i await details.
it approaches that line between epic and f*ing crazy, you realize.
thanks for the tip, you crazy man.