in what can only be described as a stunning, shocking, and completely unexpected courtroom development, oj simpson announced his retirement as titular head of a florida-based crime syndicate to return to his one true passion, playing for losing football teams based in buffalo, new york. appearing in a las vegas court yesterday for what what thought to be a routine preliminary hearing, oj stood up, looked at each of his attorneys, and said, "i'm sick of this shit, man, gimme the ball! i'm going back to buffalo, man, where i can be with people who really care about me, oj, the football player, and not oj, the, uh..., the ringmaster of this circus that travels with me."
he then said he'd been inspired by the blue vegas jail jumpsuits, and bolstered by touch football games in the jail courtyard that oj says "proved i still got my mojo."
the district attorney revealed that oj--without the knowledge of his team of attorneys--had negotiated a deal which exchanges his already made video testimony against his co-defendant for his immediate release from custody, the dropping of all charges against him, and their promise that he will not have to return for the trial of his two co-defendants, now set for the first week of september.
oj simpson, who won the heisman trophy in 1968, following an outstanding career at usc, retired from the nfl in 1979, after playing for the hapless buffalo bills and the then-lackluster 49ers.
oj said "i got some old bills to take take of, and it just seemed right that my old bills should be the avenue i take to pay them off. plus, i can make some brand new memorabilia that should be worth a ton of money in the future."