Sunday, December 30, 2007

my weekend--graphically represented

i work out a lot.
i'm in pretty good shape, by the way. most people who know me know that, but it's not like i talk about it much. in fact, i really don't like to talk about me. but LOTS of people--family, friends, and associates, as well as regular readers of the sermonette [and you guys are all over this crazy globe, aren't you?]--have been dogging me for a long time, trying to find out how the heck i maintain this crazy high level of physical fitness.
let me tell you: it's not easy.
working out like i do is not for the weak and feeble, and sometimes even i wonder how the heck i do it. day in, day out; winter, spring, summer, fall, or winter, i'm out there.
working out and finishing up what god only started.
let me share one of my secrets with you: it's all about numbers. so many damned numbers i need a computer to keep track of them all. you wanna get better? buy one of those contraptions and keep track of your numbers. this chart above shows how hard i work whenever i do that. pretty impressive, eh? going up and down, up and down. over and over. you don't see chuck norris doing that, do you? what does THAT tell you? i'm fucking tough, and i'm not for huckleberry.
look at THIS mother. i was CRAZY during this workout. you can tell i'm not just "riding a bike"--LOOK at all those lines! i'm doing this, and i'm doing that, and i'm even doing that OTHER thing. but i'm not just DOING them, i'm knocking them out of the fucking ballpark. in particular, look at the shit in the green ovals. THAT'S the critical part. i try to do THAT shit a LOT.
as in every endeavor, i run a tight ship. i like to demonstrate my ability to draw curves up and down with my eyes closed with different colored pens. lotta folks won't understand what the hell this has to do with fitness, but believe me, it DOES. if you don't understand, don't ask me to explain. but come talk to me when you DO, grasshopper.
at the end of every season, i like to take the numbers from that year [and i have LOTS of numbers by the end of the season], and compare them to the numbers from previous years. you know, just to prove to myself that i'm getting better and better each and every year. well, guess what? i AM! the proof is not in the pudding. it's right there--LOOK at that blue line. that's ME. to get the full effect, you need to view this particular graph in high definition, on a GIANT 66" screen. THAT'S how fucking good i am.
want proof? look at this one. boy, i tell you. are you on the blue line, or the green line? let me give you a hint: stand up, look down. can you see your feet? well, they're trying to get your attention. i can hear them saying, "hey, get off your ass, and pay some attention to us down here."
and so there you have it: my numbers. pretty fucking impressive.
and it's only december...


S.Fuller said...

You suckered me in on that one reverend. I thought this was going to be a serious post, and I fell for it hook line and sinker. :)

Matthew Pavlovich said...

Why, Kim...

You have got to be the most analytic cyclist this world has ever known.

Buckshot77 said...

But where's the damn TPS report on your training?

the mostly reverend said...

tps reports?
man, we're putting new cover sheets on all of our TPS reports now before they go out.
i KNOW you got THAT memo.