Tuesday, December 11, 2007

a visitor in the pulpit

good evening, orphans...orphanettes...
and those of you with families: welcome.
i'm glad you're here on this special day.
all right, i hear you in the back row, snickering.
"what's so special about today?"
we have a special guest today; THAT'S what's so special.
and it's someone most of you cyclists, orphaned or otherwise, will recognize.
perhaps you have read his sermonettes elsewhere.
or elsewhere. or even elsewhere.
perhaps you've seen, read, and even laughed at his cartoons.
no, it's not brian duffy.

it's that dude who makes you feel guilty when you eat and drink this time of year: patrick o'grady. you may know him as a humorist, a cartoonist, a bicyclist, or the guy who gets paid to go to the tour every now and then. sure, but i know him in a completely different way, as seen in the way he closes his regular correspondence with me:

"Your brother in Christ,
The Rt. Rev. Dr. L. Perro Loco, O.D.
Staff Chaplain
The Mad Dog Media Whirled Hindquarters"

here's what the right reverend doctor has to say today:

Today's Blasphemy
First off, all due respect, people should be able to go to the church of their choice without getting shot or having to shoot someone. Eat a wafer, hug a tree, light a menorah, sit cross-legged 'til your feet explode, I don't care. Whatever punches your Get Out of Hell Free Card. Going to church should not involve body armor and a concealed-carry permit.
That being said, some of the born-again crowd were speaking in tongues of the forked variety after the shootings in Arvada and at New Life Church. George Morrison, a minister at Faith Bible Chapel, stated flatly: "God did not cause this to happen." Uh huh. Dude follows pro football so closely He can't take a minute to whip a quick, fatal plague on some nutbag with a shitload of firearms on his person, out hunting His disciples? Were I a religious man, I'd suggest there might be more here than meets the downcast eye.
And then there's the security guard who croaked the perp' when he popped by New Life to carve a few more notches on his weapons. "God was with me," she said. "He never left my side." It's a basic question, true, but still — why her side and not the side of the unarmed parishioners in Arvada and Bibleburg who found themselves in the express line to Heaven between the wafer and the wine? Could it be that the Lord manifests Himself these days in the form of a Glock 9mm? Remember your Heinlein: "God fights on side of heaviest artillery."

the mostly reverend here again: right powerful words from my brother from colorado, eh? i want to thank the right reverend doctor for sharing his words with y'all today, as it seemed to me when i read them that they might just shed a little light on this jesus and god discussion we've been having lately. to wit, IS your god better than, well, not mine, but somebody's? and if so, what the hell is He up to lately? is your god really pro-life? in my mind, it kind looks like He keeps the same work-vacation schedule as george dubya and the iraqi parliament. perhaps He might want to start working weekends and evenings. amen. the ushers pass the plates now, as we listen to our find choir and orphanage house band play one my favorite gospel numbers, "heavenly bank account." and, yes, that IS the almost reverend frank zappa on vocals, by special arrangement with the keeper of the hereafter. dig deep, and listen up.



now, i promised the right reverend doctor i'd add the following, and as i asked yesterday, if i'm not a man of my word, what the hell AM i?

Words and pictures on the DogPage © 2007 by Patrick O'Grady/Mad Dog Media. All rights and most lefts reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, redistributed, laser-printed, photocopied, crocheted into a sampler, knitted into a sweater, tattooed on a floozy, spray-painted on an overpass, tapped out in Morse code, sublimated onto a jersey, shared in whispers in the back row of an adult theatre, shouted from the rooftops, scored for the Crusty County Symphony Orchestra, translated into Squinch, or communicated via telepathy without the permission of and the hefty payment to a heavily armed, whiskey-addled cyclo-cross addict who knows where you live. Bonehead shysters and the simpletons who employ them, take note: The opinions expressed on the DogPage contain toxic quantities of hyperbole, satire, parody and humor. Pah-ro-dee. Hyyuuu-mor. Acquire a sense of same or read at your own risk.

[i just want to let you know, however, that it probably IS legal to whisper about his material in the back row of an adult theater. if you try it, and get arrested, well, you know what to do.]

6 comments:

Pete Basso said...

Kim more interesting rubbish from your camp. You know you keep making reference to someone thinking their God is better than your god. I've asked this question a couple of times and like usual, you skirt the question by asking another question, so here it is again...WHO is your God. You claim to agnostic but still have a god?? Thats interesting because agnostics do not have gods according to what I've studied. Agnostics generally have the view that there is insufficent evidence of an existence or a non-existence of a god. As a trademark of agnostics they don't really take a position on God one way or another. That is clearly not the case with you. Are you sure your not atheist? You sound more like a "weak positioned" atheist who believes others are free to believe or not to believe in God as opposed to a "strong position" atheist who believe there is absolutely no God.

What exactly is a god in Kim's life? What do you believe in? This may be a good time for you share your religion with the world Kim.

the mostly reverend said...

where have i EVER said that i believe in god, pete?

hell, i didn't even join the "clapton is god" crew back when.

so you show me where i EVER have claimed to believe in a god, then this discussion can proceed.

until then, it remains a victim of your inability to read and process information.

the mostly reverend said...

as a public service of "today's sermonette," while pete searches for my words professing my belief in "god" you might want to review the action thus far.

here's the link [copy and paste into your browser], since it's gone into the archives already:

http://theorphanageandyou.blogspot.com/2007/12/god-checks-his-latest-poll-numbers.html

and now, back to pete's search...
if anyone can help, feel free to post here.

the mostly reverend said...

...and then, when you've finished reading the first installment fromthe archives, you can read part two of "the great theoillogical debates of 2007" by going to this link, via the cut and paste route.

http://theorphanageandyou.blogspot.com/2007/12/tonight-on-celebrity-deathmatch.html

and then stay tuned for "the great resumption."

Bart said...

Being an Atheist has nothing to do with a god, not much to state beyond that.

I can’t speak for all Atheists but I believe in myself, right and wrong, and at this point in time my cup of coffee.

Anonymous said...

Kim, as your biggest oscillating fan I need to suggest that perhaps, maybe, O'Grady lives in Arizona and not Colorado. He may of course, be from Colorado just as I am from Illinois but he resides in the A to the Z. Unless he moved. H moves in mysterious ways don't-cha know?

Pete, give it up. Start your own blog or something. Knit a hat for crying out loud. Accept that Kim was sent here by your God to torment you. Rise above it already.

gpickle