Friday, December 14, 2007

zappadan at the orphanage

it is a time of transition at the orphanage here in capitol city...
the leaves have fallen from the stately autumn blaze maple trees, and the flamingoes have all flown south, to our west texas orphanage. once again, none of the orphans got around to actually raking the leaves, but we all had fun spending long hours on the porch thinking about doing it.

another sure sign of the coming of winter is the annual pineapple festival. we had help this year when, for the first time in years, old friend of the orphanage allan keyes magically appeared to help pick the bounty he made possible several election cycles ago when he helped us plant the pineapple grove back in 1996. the snow and ice outside complemented the icy cold mai tais the orphans and staff enjoyed round the clock during the harvest festival, as is the tradition as taught us by allan in 2000, during his last visit.

then, as tradition holds, we all hop on the short bus and head off to view the wonderful zappadan holiday lights. singing favorites from the "zappa family trust's holiday book of cheer," and tanked to the gills on fresh mai tais and cookies, we motor all around capitol city, "oooohs" and "aaaahs" bouncing off the glass windows as the kids take their turn in the "dance fever" competition on the short bus dance floor. points are awarded for sincerity, skill, and final turns.

then, upon our return, we all gather on the floor of the orphanage auditorium to watch our holiday feature: "200 motels." we treat it like a midnight showing of rocky horror picture show. the kids love it, and before the movie is over, most of them are passed out on the floor, where they remain until breakfast the next morning.

THIS is what holiday memories are made of...

happy zappadan to all.


in other news from the orphanage, the kids have undertaken to effect major corporate change. in their sights this semester, nutro products, incorporated, manufacturer of the food we feed our dogs amelia, boris and dmitri. here is the email the orphans wrote this morning:

-----Original Message----- From:

Sent: Friday, December 14, 2007 6:44 AM

Subject: Nutro: Frequent Buyer Question

New Nutro Contact

The Mostly Reverend Kim, The Orphanage, 1527 48th Street, Des Moines, IA 50311

QUESTION: WHY AREN'T THE UPC/CHECKOUT BARCODES LOCATED IN THE SAMEPLACE ON ALL BAGS?have YOU folks actually purchased these items? you shouldn't want your regular customers to have to lug these things around more than necessary, you know.

thoughtfully submitted, the mostly reverend


here is the corporation's initial response:

Dear Reverend West,Thank you for contacting Nutro Products. Typically the UPC or barcodes are located on the back of the bag at the bottom but as you noted not always. We greatly value your input and suggestion, and I will be more than happy to forward your request to our Product Management Team for their review. We thank you sincerely for your continued loyalty and for allowing us the opportunity to address your concern. If we can be of further assistance, please contact us Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 5:00p.m., Pacific Standard Time at 1(800)-833-5330 or visit our website,Geoff Augello Consumer Service Representative Nutro Products, Inc. Reference: #625598


please do. our little orphans enjoy going to the pet store, but it's a struggle for some of them sometimes. thanks so much.
this is a little project for the orphans here, so we all look forward to watching the wheels of the big pet food corporation turn.
we eagerly anticipate the results of the review by the product management team.

--the mostly reverend grandpa kim the orphanage, capitol city, iowa


[oh, we'll stay on top of THIS shit, to be sure...]

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